So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
