My first STD was from a foam party
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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