i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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