Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
