Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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