it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
