I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
