Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
