how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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