hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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