I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
