I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
