Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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