Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
