Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize