hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize