I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
