He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
