I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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