Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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