So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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