her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
