I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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