Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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