he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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