so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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