My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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