as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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