Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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