I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
