New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
