If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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