i would punch a child for taco bell
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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