You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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