Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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