it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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