well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
the liver wants what the liver wants
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
