She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We are all done wearing pants today
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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