I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
