You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
