I must be too annoying 4 u.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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