Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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