I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he puts the penis in happiness.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
