she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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