I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
