Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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