apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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