On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
