You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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