Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
