Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
