If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
