textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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