And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Someone signed my nipple.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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