She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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