I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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