the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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