and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
