I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
