I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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