hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
